Care Work and Parenting

Abstract

This chapter deals with the organisation of care work by Polish parents. Using the data from in-depth interviews and survey data, I demonstrate cultural norms about care that prevails in Polish society. Strong gendered norms and instruments of family policy shape different opportunity structures for men and women. I focus on how parental leaves are used and perceived by Polish parents. I argue that they are still seen primarily as women’s right. I analyse the reasoning lying behind such thinking, but also show the experiences of parents who decided to share the leave. Then I proceed to the organisation of care in the context of so-called care gap. The Polish system of parental leaves is incompatible with the system of institutional care for children. Consequently, in the period between the end of paid leave and the time when a child can go to a kindergarten parents have to develop different strategies how to provide care for their children. I show how these strategies differ in the context of economic inequalities, as well as what consequences care gap has on gender inequalities. Finally, the chapter finishes with the analysis of how care work is perceived by parents.

3.1 Culture of Care in Poland

This chapter is about a particular type of work that is strictly connected to parenthood—caregiving, ‘the physical, engaged and embodied work of caring for children’ (Ranson 2015, p. 1). As Julia Kubisa notes, care is one of the oldest relationships that is important for people through their whole lives (Kubisa 2014, p. 79). Care work is fundamental for the functioning of society, therefore as I’m analysing the experiences of parenting in Polish society I’m starting with the experiences connected with care work. The organisation of care work is strictly connected with norms and values prevailing in a particular society. These norms and values specify the acceptable forms of providing and receiving care. In contemporary times, we can distinguish two main agents of care provision—family and the welfare state. Family is a social institution which is primarily responsible for providing care for its members. The main role of the welfare state is to support family. This role started to be recognised in the twentieth century as the welfare state developed. In this context ‘care as work includes formal/informal as well as private/public significations’ (Pfau-Effinger and Rostgaard 2011, p. 2). The following analysis of caregiving in the context of parenting takes into consideration both the engagement of family (in particular parents), as well as the support of the Polish welfare state in providing care for children. In this book, I concentrate mostly on children under school age, since in their case care is the most demanding work requiring day-to-day, intensive involvement.

The support of the Polish welfare state is strictly connected with the culture of care prevailing in Polish society. I take ‘the culture of care’ here to mean socially acceptable patterns of care practices that serve as important guides for people in their everyday behaviours (Pfau-Effinger and Rostgaard 2011). In the context of caring for children, the most important norms are those which impose obligations on family members, in particular women. Data from the International Social Survey Programme (ISSP) in 2012 clearly shows that in Polish society more than 75% of people thought that family members should be the primary care givers for children under school age. Only 14% thought it should be government agencies. Men (81%) more often than women (75%) indicate family members, yet even among women the numbers are still very high (see Graph 3.1).

Graph 3.1

Provision of childcare. Source ISSP 2012. Prepared by the author

But it must be noted that not every family member is responsible to the same extent when it comes to providing care for their children. The ISSP data clearly shows that there are different expectations towards mothers and fathers. In the survey there were two questions about the organisation of family life and work life in families with a child under school age. Most people agreed that the best way of organising life is when a father works full-time, whereas a mother is at home or works part-time. Yet what is particularly interesting is that over 40% of people think that the worst option is when a father is at home and the mother works full-time. For these people such a situation is worse than one in which both parents work full-time (see Graphs 3.2 and 3.3). This data clearly shows that the provision of childcare is not perceived as a man’s main obligation—it is women who are expected to take a break from paid work or at least reduce working hours when they have children.

Graph 3.2

Consider a family with a child under school age. What, in your opinion, is the best way for them to organise their work and family life? Source ISSP 2012. Prepared by the author

Graph 3.3

Consider a family with a child under school age. What, in your opinion, is the least desirable way for them to organise their work and family life? Source ISSP 2012. Prepared by the author

These norms are reinforced by the Polish family policy system, which is explicitly genderising and does not recognise fathers as potential caregivers. Thus when looking at the organisation of care work in Polish families it is important to look at gender inequalities and analyse how gender is done in connection to parenthood. As I underlined in the previous chapter, care work is perceived as a woman’s duty. Men’s engagement in caregiving is often seen in terms of help or support. Such societal convictions determine differences in experiencing parenthood by men and women. What interests me here is the micro perspective—the perspective of individuals who have to struggle with cultural norms about childcare that are often in conflict with the requirements of the labour market and obligations resulting from paid work. I adopt here the theoretical perspective of agency to see how individuals act in particular social settings, how they function in opportunity structures resulting from the family policy system, as well as cultural norms and values. In this chapter, I am particularly interested in how these opportunity structures affect everyday practices and decisions about the organisation of childcare. The two main instruments aimed at supporting parents in providing care are parental leave and institutional care in nurseries and kindergartens, thus in the following sections I first analyse how parents use leave and then proceed to the organisation of care work after the periods of paid leave.

3.2 “I Can’t Imagine My Husband on Parental Leave”. Parental Leave as a Mother’s Right

Most of the interviewed parents had a right to 52 weeks of maternity and parental leave. All interviewed fathers had a right to two weeks of paternity leave. As I underlined in the previous chapter, the Polish parental leave system is explicitly genderising. Even though in 2013 the new type of leave was introduced—parental leave—as a right of both parents, men are not encouraged to actually use it. Mothers are still its main recipients. The data from the Social Insurance Institutions shows that men are only 1% of the recipients of parental leave allowance (in 2017 only 4200 men received the allowance in comparison to 402,400 women). Fathers more often take two weeks of paternity leave, which is not transferable to the mother—in 2017 there were 174,000 men who took this leave, the number significantly increased from 2013 when only 28,600 men took paternity leave.¹ Yet since this leave is usually taken when mothers are on maternity leave directly after the child’s birth or during the summer holidays, these numbers do not say much about men’s engagement in caregiving. Thus in the following analysis I concentrate on parents’ attitudes to parental leave, on how the leave was used, whether it was shared or not, and also what interviewees thought about the idea of forcing/encouraging men to take longer periods of such leave. Parents’ thoughts and beliefs show how care work is perceived in the context of gender inequalities. They are also a good illustration of gender beliefs prevailing in Polish society.

Jana Javornik and Anna Kurowska (2017) analysed parental leave as an instrument that ‘shape[s] individuals’ real opportunities to be and do around the family’s first critical turning point – the arrival of a child’ (2017, p. 618). Parental leave creates three types of opportunity structure: ‘opportunity to stay in the labour market while having a child; to care personally for a child; a child’s opportunity to be cared for by both parents’ (Javornik and Kurowska 2017, p. 622). The most important aspect of their analysis is socio-economic and gender inequalities in opportunities—the parental leave system of different European countries creates different real opportunities for men and women, as well as for individuals with different socio-economic situations. What is more, real opportunities do not necessarily turn into actual practices, as individuals do not always take advantage of their opportunities. The analysis of Javornik and Kurowska is based on quantitative data from eight European countries (Sweden, Denmark, Iceland, Estonia, Norway, Lithuania, Finland and Latvia) and takes into consideration such criteria as the legal equality of men and women on paper, non-transferable leave, income replacement rate and congruency of leave with public childcare. In my analysis I focus only on one country—Poland—and examine the opportunity structures of parents using qualitative data from in-depth interviews with mothers and fathers. Referring to the theoretical perspective of agency, I assume that individuals possess reflexivity, which allows them to assess social conditions and consequently their real opportunities and so make decisions about how they take advantage of them (Caetano 2015). This means that parents can evaluate the parental leave system and use the leave according to their own preferences.

The interviews clearly indicate the lack of equality between mothers and fathers in taking the opportunity to care personally for a child, as well as to stay in the labour market when becoming a parent. In most cases, the interviewed women used every week of maternity and parental leave, whereas men used only two weeks of paternity leave. Such a situation is taken for granted by most parents and not questioned. The interviewed men generally did not take parental leave because of economic and/or ‘biological’ reasons.

The economic reasons were strictly connected with paid work. Men still earn more than women in Poland, taking parental leave means getting benefit on the level of 80% of salary (or in some cases 60%). For many families it means losing more money when a father is on parental leave. In the case of self-employed men, the loss is even greater, since they receive the benefit on the level of 80% of the minimum wage. Additionally, many interviewed parents openly admit that a father cannot stop working for a longer period than two weeks. Most men, regardless of their working position, have a great sense of duty towards their paid work, co-workers or/and employers.

R: And your husband cannot go on leave, since he is self-employed. Is it right?

I: In theory, he could, because ZUS² is paying, but it’s the level of minimum wage, so it would have huge consequences for our earnings. Because 80% of wage is still ok, but now [the husband] is earning three times more than me, so it is a big difference for us. [C6W8 Ida]³

R: Did you ever consider taking parental leave?

I: In fact, it wouldn’t change much for me. I mean, I’d still have the same responsibilities, because of the type of work I do with all its related obligations, so it didn’t make sense for me. [S8 M17 Zbigniew, manager in a small enterprise]

The second quote is a perfect illustration of men’s attitudes to parental leave for men. Many men, regardless of their situation in the labour market, prioritise paid work. Going on leave would mean that they would still be fulfilling duties resulting from paid work. This prioritisation applies to men in different positions (skilled and unskilled employees), with different salaries and different types of employment. From an economic perspective, the opportunity structures of fathers with higher salaries are even more limited, since they lose more money on parental leave than men with a lower income. Yet the data from the interviews indicates that regardless of their level of income men are not willing to actually take the leave.

The economic reasoning is reinforced by thinking in terms of biological differences between men and women. The most common argument against sharing parental leave was breastfeeding (see also: Reimann 2016). The interviewed mothers, especially, emphasised that in their case sharing leave with their partner would mean the interruption of breastfeeding. They often felt that it would be emotionally too difficult to go back to work and leave a child with the father.

I don’t know if I was ready for this [sharing the leave] either. My son was so incredibly small. I was breastfeeding him until he was, I’d say, over a year and a half. There were also various different psychological conditions in play too. [C3W4 Joanna]

R: Did you consider an option in which your husband takes part of the parental leave?

I: I mean, I must admit that I can’t imagine breastfeeding while my husband would be on leave. I also wanted to breastfeed at least one year, so it was impossible, wasn’t it? Well, it couldn’t be done. I used the breast pump a lot, because I had these classes, I had to go to them. So once a week, when I went there, there were three bottles prepared for my son and I was away for six hours, so [my husband] fed him every two hours. [C4W5 Ela]

The biological differences between mothers and fathers in using parental leave are clearly underlined here, even by these parents who have a rather equalitarian approach to the division of domestic and care work as well as involvement in paid work. Breastfeeding is used as an indisputable argument, even though many Polish mothers have serious problems with it—a report from 2018 shows that only 41% of women exclusively breastfeed their new-born child, 10% is feeding with baby formula and the rest is combining breastfeeding with other forms of feeding. Only 28.83% of mothers plan to exclusively breastfeed until the child is one year old, and 16.66% until the child is two years old (Iwanowicz-Palus and Bogusz 2018). The World Health Organisation recommends exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months. which means that sharing leave should not necessarily be an obstacle to breastfeeding, since fathers usually take leave when a child is over six months (O’Brien and Wall 2017). As I argue in my other analysis of fatherhood (Suwada 2015, 2017a), using biology is one of the strategies to legitimise prevailing gender inequalities. In the process of naturalisation the initial biological differences between men and women serve as an explanation for gender inequalities in the household and other social spheres. The same process applies here, even though many couples did not consider sharing parental leave at all but considered it by default to be a mother’s right, when asked about the reasons they referred to biological explanations. Analysis of the interviews indicates that many parents were not actually aware of how the parental leave system is constructed in Poland. As was mentioned in the previous chapter, the system went through some significant reforms during the previous years, and only recently were men included as recipients of parental leave, but it can be assumed that expectant parents would check what rights they have to assess their opportunity structures. It is clear that they just check the length of the leave for a mother and the replacement rate. What might be even more surprising is that the lack of awareness that parental leave is also a father’s right applies mostly to men. A few of the researched fathers learned during the interview that they had a right to use some part of the parental leave.

R: Let’s proceed to the issue of parental leave. Your wife had used maternity and parental leave…

I: Parental leave? What’s that?

R: There was six months of maternity leave and then six months of parental leave.

I: Oh … she was at home for one year, I thought it was all maternity leave. [C4M5 Aleksander]

In this context, it is clear that the real opportunity structures of mothers and fathers are not the same. A woman’s opportunity to stay in the labour market while having a child is limited by economic conditions, as well as gender beliefs grounded in naturalised thinking about the different roles of mothers and fathers. Similarly, a man’s opportunity to care personally for a child or a child’s opportunity to be cared for by two parents are also constrained by the same factors. This means that it is not enough to provide legal opportunity structures, but there is also a need to introduce more incentives for fathers to use that leave even if it would undermine prevailing gender beliefs about parenting.

In this context, it is interesting to look at the situation of parents who shared their parental leave. This is not a common situation in Polish society. In the samples there were six couples who shared their leave, so we cannot draw any generalisations based on their experiences, but they can serve as a lens through which it is possible to observe the consequences of breaking cultural gender norms about care. In the case of four of the couples, the father took at least two months of parental leave. In the two others the father took a different type of leave to be with a small child (four months of unpaid, extended leave and a one-year-long health improvement leave⁴). All of these couples were middle class, with higher education and both parents worked, their salaries were similar, but in a few cases the women earned more. All of them lived in big cities. What is more, all of them had a very equalitarian approach and were very aware of existing gender inequalities.

The most common motivation for fathers to go on leave was responsibility for their child and a sense of fairness for their partner, less often economic reasons or the need to fill a care gap resulting from the fact that the mother needed to return to her paid work but there were no available places in childcare institutions.

So I think that if there is a possibility, and we have here such a possibility, then it is simply an issue of basic logic and decency that both men and women should take parental leave for the same period of time. [C7M8 Stefan]

I mean, I understand that this is still sort of … pretty rare, but … but I don’t see why. In a sense this is definitely the most important event in my life … the birth of [my son] and … um … I mean, I understand that sometimes the financial situation is what it is, and that [couples have] such agreements and … um … and that you can’t, you simply can’t [take leave as a father]. Er … but there are also people who don’t even take these two weeks off … right after the birth. And for me this is … this is just f*****g … it’s just … totally irresponsible I guess, I don't know. [C11M12 Arek]

Contrary to other parents, those who shared leave very carefully assessed their opportunity structures and divided the leave in the most convenient way. They took into consideration the economic dimension and the paid work situation of both the mother and the father as well as the issue of their children’s well-being. In the context of everyday practices, the father’s time on parental leave has the most significant consequences for changes in relationship dynamics in the family. As a mother stays at home, she is the most important parent for children. The shift of the main caregiver results in a better relationship between a father and a child, and as such undermines the prevailing gender beliefs and norms about care. A mother often stops being regarded as the only one who can solve problems or give comfort in a difficult situation.

So it was a time when the relationship with my child was changing all the time, because it was when she was six months till twelve months, and this is a period when a child is changing from day to day and you cannot get used to anything. So my relationship with her was changing every day. But I also think I had a better relationship with her after these six months too, because she didn’t only see me when I returned tired from work. [C7M8 Stefan]

It was a very nice time to … know my son, you know? Because during the ten months my wife was on leave, for me nothing had changed. I went to work at 8 a.m., was back at 5.30 and I did not have much time left. One hour or one and half hours of playing, supper, washing and getting him to sleep […]. So for these two months it was a great idea to get to know each other and also to learn how to spend time with a kid. [C6M7 Krzysztof]

The situation of men on parental leave also frequently improves the relationship between partners, because fathers started to recognise that care work is a difficult task that can be troublesome and boring. This period also helps to better organise the division of domestic work when parental leave ends and both parents need to return to work. None of the couples regretted that they shared parental leave, but this does not mean that the situation of reversing traditional gender roles was normal for the rest of society. The reactions of other people indicate that care work is not perceived as work done by men. Even though most parents received a rather positive reaction from other people, it was sometimes met with shock and consternation.

R: How did your colleagues react to your leave?

I: Oh, well … one colleague who couldn’t wait to get back to work [after two weeks of paternity leave] was a little bit surprised, because for him it was different. He was happy to leave his wife at home with their son [laugh]. He sat in an air-conditioned office for 9-10 hours a day, so he could be back home later. [C6M7 Krzysztof]

Other people openly expressed their admiration for men taking parental leave.

Basically, all my male colleagues and friends told me something I didn’t understand at all. They’d say, “Stefan, I admire you” or “aren’t you afraid?” and so on. I didn’t understand it at all. These questions simply blew my mind, and when I heard them, I started to laugh. I mean, I don’t know, what is there to admire? It was a wonderful time which I spent with my child. [P7M8 Stefan]

Such a situation is particularly difficult for mothers who have a greater sense of injustice. On the one hand, they are not admired for taking parental leave, it is expected of them, but nobody treats them as a heroine when they do it. On the other hand, they also feel the pressure that they need to be with their children as long as possible, sharing leave means they spend less time with their children, and consequently may be branded ‘a bad mother’.

I had such a moment two weeks before I was supposed to return to paid work, I had a crisis, our son had separation fears and additionally everyone was telling me: “What are you doing? He needs a mother, you’re still breastfeeding him. How is this supposed to work? It can’t work.” I was also questioning myself as a mother, thinking that I should stay with him. [C11W13 Sylwia]

Yes, you know, it just pisses me off that people are saying things [to my partner] like “I admire you” or “how are you handling that?” or something like that. Nobody is telling me that they admire me for taking six months of maternity leave. […] And I was so angry at my mum, because she asked if [my partner] would be ok at work because of taking leave … And I was so angry because I had a short-term contract, my boss was super weird, so looking objectively I might have had bigger problems with this situation. [C7W9 Stefa]

Such reactions clearly show that Polish society puts strong pressure on women to be the main caregiver in a couple, and does not recognise fathers as caregivers . As Nancy Dowd notes ‘fathers are treated as volunteers, while mothers are draftees’ (Dowd 2000, p. 7). Men can choose to what extent they engage in care practices, whereas women do not have a choice—they have to be engaged and they are lucky if their male partner chooses the path of involved fatherhood (Hanlon 2012; Miller 2011).

During the interviews all parents were also asked what they thought about the idea of introducing four months of parental leave reserved for fathers.⁵ So the situation of the interview gave parents the opportunity to reflect on men’s right to parental leave, even if they did not consider it for themselves. This also gave them an opportunity to reflect on the gendered nature of care work. The idea arouses mixed feelings. On the one hand, there were people who were against it. They most often referred to biological differences between men and women, and the fact that it is not appropriate to force people (in this case fathers) to do something that they do not want to do. Fathers should have a choice if they want to take parental leave, and parents as a couple should have a right to choose how they divide periods of leave between themselves. At the same time only one interviewed mother said that in her opinion it was unfair that there are 14 weeks of obligatory maternity leave for every mother. The right to choose is thus defended only in the case of men.

No, this [parental leave for fathers] is already way too compulsory, and it’s forcing men and women to have equal rights, mixing their rolls [sic], roles, which are not the same because men and women have completely different biological roles. So no, I don’t agree with such egalitarianism where women are forced to give up some of their privileges because this is thought to be bothersome, and that this man ought to have these, these privileges. [C5M6 Filip]

I don’t know, I’m not sure. If it [non-transferable leave for fathers] was, then everybody would use it, I’m sure about it. But would this father really help a mother with a little baby? You know, a little baby really needs such a superdad when they are one and a half years old, maybe two years old, then a dad can show them the world, but a mum is … no matter how a dad is trying, a mum is always more important, isn’t she? [S11W28 Urszula]

On the other hand, there are parents who did not share parental leave, but they still think it is a good idea. They recognised the double burden which women have, and the need for the greater engagement of men in domestic and care work. Some mothers also noted that this might be a way of making men aware that taking care of children and the household is hard work that needs to be more appreciated.

I support this. I couldn’t support it more. This doesn’t mean that I’m a militant feminist, but in this patriarchal world in which we live, such a kick in the ass for all men, who think that staying at home is easy, simple and nice and that children need mostly women, is needed. Then it might turn out that fathers can take this leave, because now either employers are not happy or daddies are saying “it’d be easier for you [to take this leave]”. But if those four months [of leave] were either taken by the father or lost, then it would be a different story. I’m sure of it. [C13W17 Magdalena]

I think this is not a bad idea, because it forces men to, for example, take over some of the duties from women … and if he takes care of the child, then he gains some kind of know-how. You need to know how to change a nappy or, I don’t know, how to dress your child. And if you do it every day, then you know it […]. Because later you want to help, but you have no idea how to do it. [C1M1 Jakub]

These intuitions of interviewed parents are to some extent confirmed by other research on care work and fatherhood. Men’s engagement in care work helps them understand that it is hard work, and consequently they appreciate the work done by their female partners in connection to parenthood. What is more, engagement in care work can help to change men’s attitudes to gender beliefs and prevailing gender roles, as well as notice the cultural dimension of masculinity and femininity models (Brandth and Kvande 2016; Elliott 2016; Hanlon 2012; Ranson 2015; Scambor et al. 2014).

3.3 “Nurseries Are So Expensive…”. The Care Gap and Organisation of Care After Parental Leave

The period of parental leave, although based on traditional gender roles, is a relatively unproblematic time for parents. For one year they have a right to highly paid parental leave, and one parent, usually the mother, can temporarily leave her paid work without greater economic loss or other complications. The problem arises with the end of paid leave. The Polish family system is characterised by a lack of congruency between the parental leave system and the system of institutional care for children. This means that when paid parental leave ends there is a problem of finding a place for a one-year-old child in a nursery. As written in Chap. 2 institutional care for children in Poland is a two-tier system, in which there are two types of institutions—nurseries for children under three and preschools for children aged 3–6 years. In 2017 only 8.6% of children under three were enrolled in a nursery, which means that there is a huge demand for the care of the youngest children. This lack of congruency between the parental leave system and institutional care for children under three I call here the care gap (see: Farstad 2015; Ingólfsdóttir and Gíslason 2016; Suwada 2020). The care gap creates a serious organisational challenge for parents in Poland. It generates structural inequalities between parents and limits their opportunity structures in organising care for their children. In the following analysis, I depict the main strategies that interviewed parents adopt to deal with the care gap. What interests me here is how economic and gender inequalities affect opportunity structures of different parents. The structural conditions generated by the welfare state, as well as gender beliefs about care and labour market requirements, creates distinctly different possibilities for mothers and fathers, as well as for people with different economic resources and in different labour market situations. Cultural norms around care put more pressure on women to deal with the problem of the care gap, whereas economic resources allow richer parents to buy care on the free market.

The interviews indicate that the period between the end of paid parental leave and the beginning of preschool when a child is three years old is the most problematic for parents when it comes to the organisation of care work. This is because of the previously mentioned care gap and the lack of places in childcare institutions for children under three, but these dilemmas are also reinforced by cultural norms about care. In particular the myth of threeness (see Chap. 2) intensifies the pressure put on women to take a break from work in connection with motherhood. Based on analysis of the interviews here are the four most common strategies for organising care: (1) sending a child to a nursery (usually a private one), (2) hiring a baby-sitter, (3) getting help from a grandmother (less often a grandfather) and (4) women withdrawing from paid work. The choice between these strategies is usually connected with the socio-economic situation of a family, which either limits or broadens parents’, in particular mothers’, opportunity structures.

The broadest, although still rather limited, opportunity structures are characteristic for dual breadwinner parents with an average or above average financial situation. Even though they usually cannot afford for one parent to take a break from paid work, they have more options from which they can choose. The most common choice is between nursery (usually a private one) and a baby-sitter. The final decision is a result of economic calculations as well as individual preferences regarding the organisation of care. There are two types of parents—those who decided to send a child to a nursery or those who hired a baby-sitter. Yet the reasoning behind these two choices is very similar. In both cases parents explained their choices referring to social control and the child’s safety. In the case of sending a child to a nursery, parents believed that institutions guarantee greater safety since there are many child-care workers, as well as there being other parents, who can notice any unacceptable behaviour.

To be honest I’d be more afraid of nannies, if I didn’t have anyone recommended, than a nursery. Because in a nursery you have this social control, there are more carers, there are a lot of parents. If something bad happens, then it will be recognised sooner. [C1W1 Jola]

Whereas according to parents who decided to hire a baby-sitter, there is no social control in nurseries. They believe it is better to have a baby-sitter who can come to the child’s home and is totally focused on one child. Additionally, it is possible to record what is going on at home (although parents never admitted that they actually did it, they rather mentioned that they knew other people who recorded baby-sitters).

Before the kindergarten we had a baby-sitter who took care of him. We did not decide on a nursery, because I was not sure about this institution. Mostly because a child who cannot speak … I have a feeling that such collective care of children who cannot speak and cannot communicate clearly is not the best choice. Fortunately, we can afford to hire a nanny, so when he was one year old, such a lady started to come here. [C6W8 Ida]

What is more, nurseries are problematic for many parents, since children are getting sick more often, especially at the beginning when they start to attend. Consequently, there are parents who withdraw their children from a nursery after one or two months, because their child was sick all the time, and someone needed to stay home with them anyway. Such circumstances clearly show that the economic situation of a family is a crucial determinant of what parents can do. More affluent parents usually find a nanny. In the case of less affluent parents, care work is usually undertaken by grandmothers, who are somehow forced by external conditions to help.

The nursery episode was very short, it only lasted about a month and a half, then that was it. My mother said no, no more nursery, she would not allow the child to waste away [in the nursery], because my daughter she got seriously sick, after starting at the nursery she got double pneumonia, her first serious illness. Then she [the grandmother] took care of her [the granddaughter] for more than a year before she started kindergarten. [S4W6 Iwona]

Children getting sick in nurseries is the most common disincentive that is articulated by parents in the interviews. Yet it is reinforced by the myth of threeness. Many parents openly express negative attitudes to institutional care for children under three. Nurseries are seen as a source of diseases, but also according to some parents, nurseries are not providing enough attention and emotional support for a small child who has been separated from its parents. Consequently, parents are criticised who send their children to a nursery. Such criticism has negative effects, especially on mothers, who feel that they are not fulfilling their role properly. The following exchange clearly represents the problems faced by parents in connection with closing the care gap.

I: As we were saying we were looking for a nursery, that’s when we encountered such […] [my husband] heard that “No, it’s better when a child is at home till three with a mum.” I also heard such opinions, also from my parents, from my mum, “Sylwia, no, this nursery isn’t a good idea”. This was a moment when I was really stressed out.

R: Did you consider another option?

I: No, not really […]. In reality we did not have a choice. In a sense, it was very difficult for us. I am the one who earns more, so if someone was to take a break from work, it was [my husband]. But truly we could not afford it, so we did not consider it. At some point, we thought that maybe [my husband’s] mother, who did not work and who had been caring for her other grandchildren till they were three, could help us […]. But she did not agree. [C11W12 Sylwia]

The societal expectations resulting from gender beliefs and care norms evidently limit parents’ opportunity structures and reinforce gender inequalities between mothers and fathers. Yet the economic dimension cannot be ignored here. The interviews with high-income parents show that they do not experience serious problems due to the care gap. The decision whether to send a child to a nursery, hire a nanny or even take a break from paid work for a couple of months resulted from other factors than access to care. Financial resources distinctly broadened opportunity structures for such parents (in particular mothers).

I: With my first daughter I wanted to get back to work fast, so just after maternity leave I went back. I used maternity leave and I wanted to be back at work.

R: Who was taking care of your child?

I: A baby-sitter. We manged to find a good baby-sitter, later she took care of our twin boys. But with the twins it was different […]. I was also on maternity leave, then I took my holidays and then I took this extended leave, because we were building a house when I was pregnant with the boys. We wanted to move fast, so I used maternity leave and extended leave to decorate the house and move in. [S2K2 Ewa]

Ewa’s situation is a good illustration of broad opportunity structures for parents with high economic resources. The decision on the organisation of care was not conditioned by institutional possibilities. Ewa did not refer to any cultural norms about care. Her decisions resulted from her actual needs. Yet it is worth mentioning the gendered character of care—regardless of financial situation it is the woman who is primarily responsible for care. The dilemmas of when to return to work are hardly ever characteristic for men.

Economic resources are a crucial factor that affect the organisation of care in a family and women’s opportunity structures. On the one hand, many families cannot afford to live only on one wage and many (especially highly skilled) women do not want to take a break from paid work. There are also many women who have no choice, and are forced to leave the labour market in connection with motherhood. This mostly applies to families with lower economic resources and unskilled workers with low earnings. In the narrative of parents with an average or above average economic situation, the problem of finding a place in a nursery was hardly ever mentioned. This is because these parents could afford to pay for a private nursery which still cost less than the mother could earn. In the case of mothers with low earnings, private nurseries were often financially unattainable, whereas public ones had no places or were not available nearby. What is more, in the case of mothers with lower cultural capital, the question about organisation of care work did not result in descriptions about possible choices, but rather short answers like “I’m not working now” or “I quit”. A good example is Pola, who was questioned multiple times on this point by the researcher, so her situation was clearly understood.

R: When you got pregnant, were you working?

I: No, I quit.

R: You quit? Immediately?

I: No, I went on sick leave … and then as all leaves were over, I quit.

R: Why did you quit?

I: Because there was no one who could take care of my daughter.

R: Was your husband away?

I: Yeah, my husband was away and my mum was working.

R: Didn’t you consider any help like a baby-sitter or a nursery?

I: No, I’m not so mean as to send my child to a nursery. [C12W15 Pola]

Pola’s opportunity structures were very limited, because of her care norms she did not even think of using an institutional care system. She was unable to get help from a grandmother who was still active in the labour market. The experiences of low-income parents show that grandparents’ help is the only way they can organise care of their children after the period of paid leave. Yet the recent introduction of Family 500+ benefit broadened opportunity structures for some women. Iza is a mother of two children, two and five years old, she lives in a small town and does manual labour in a warehouse. With her first child she returned to work very quickly after half a year of paid maternity leave when her mother-in-law and brother-in-law took care of her son. By the time she had her second child her situation was much improved. In the meantime, paid parental leave and Family 500+ benefit were introduced.

R: Did your situation improve with the Family 500+ programme?

I1: Yeah, it did … I didn’t go back to work because at work I would earn less than 1,200 PLN, and now I have three benefits: 500+ for two children plus benefit because of extended parental leave and family benefit. So together I have 1,600 PLN.

I2 (husband’s interruption⁶): This is basically your salary.

I1: Yeah, it is.

I2: It’s as if you were working …

I1: Working, yeah. As I was saying, I earned less than 1,300 PLN, so it wasn’t worth going back to work if I can get the same money from the state. Because we have so low income that I knew I’d get money, right? So I preferred to stay home with them [the children] rather than going back to work.

R: Because then you would need to find a nursery or something else?

I1: Nursery, yeah. Or mother-in-law, she is retired. There’s a nursery in the next town, but it’s not so easy getting there. No, to get a place there … it’s a long list, it isn’t worth taking … [C9W11 Iza]

Because Iza did not return to work, they could get the Family 500+ benefit for the first child, but she was eligible for other benefits for low income families. She got more than she could earn and at the same time she did not have to spend money on a nursery or a baby-sitter. Taking into consideration that she performed manual labour in another town where commuting was time consuming, continuing paid work was beneficial neither in economic terms nor in terms of time and emotional costs. Iza claimed that she did not want to completely withdraw from paid work, but planned to find a new job nearer to home when her younger son went to preschool. In such a way the Family 500+ programme broadened her opportunity structures, giving her a chance to close the care gap resulting from institutional settings. In the case of low-income families, the strategy to employ a baby-sitter to take care of children was not mentioned in the interviews at all. It can be assumed that paid work for unskilled women is not a source of satisfaction or self-realisation, and if all the money earned has to be spent on care, paid work does not make any sense.

Keeping in mind the strong gender norm about care for small children, it must be noted that there is no similar reluctance to kindergartens, which are rather treated as educational institutions than care institutions. Almost all interviewed parents sent or planned to send their children to kindergarten when they were over three. These plans were justified by the fact that in kindergarten children learn how to function with other people, they are better socialised and that their bond with parents is not so strong anymore. This suggests that the myth of threeness is still very strong in Poland. Its strength might be connected with the fact that it is congruent with institutional settings, according to which kindergartens are educational institutions and therefore are manged by the Ministry of National Education. At the same time, the educational aspect of nurseries is ignored. They are treated as childcare institutions and are operated by the Ministry of Family, Labour and Social Policy, which is responsible for family policy in Poland.

3.4 “I’m a Bit Down…”. Loneliness and Exhaustion in Care Work

I previously focused on the organisation of care during the period of parental leave and the care gap, yet care work is a parents’ everyday experience, regardless of whether they use the care services of nurseries, get help from baby-sitters, grandparents or other family members. So I shall now focus on the actual practice of care. I will particularly concentrate on the hardship of care work. As Gillian Ranson observed (2015) involvement in caregiving helps people to recognise its value. This is a crucial aspect of care experiences in contemporary times. Care is undervalued and not recognised as work, which has consequences for prevailing gender inequalities (see also: Elliott 2016; Hanlon 2012; Scambor et al. 2014). Focusing on the hardship of care work helps us to acknowledge its social value and the need to rethink how as a society we perceive people, especially women, who take a break from paid employment on account of care obligations.

Analysis of the interviews shows that caregiving experiences are located between two ends of a continuum. Sometimes caregiving is perceived as a great experience and a precious time to be enjoyed with a child. At other times, caregiving is perceived as being troublesome and laborious. In the interviews, the second type of experience is much more commonly expressed. Therefore, I begin with a description of the difficulties of caregiving before proceeding to the more positive aspects as described. My aim here is also to address the question of what lies behind these different perceptions of care work.

The biggest burden of caring for a small child is that of loneliness and social isolation. When describing their experience of staying at home parents often emphasised that the biggest problem was the lack of conversation with adults. A child is of course a human being, but parents cannot have meaningful and stimulating conversations with them. The lack of contact with other adults is what makes time spent at home with a child distinctly different from time spent at paid work. Some parents, especially mothers, try to organise their everyday life so as to meet with other mothers during the day, yet because of the different schedules children have this often proves extremely difficult.

For example, during my first parental leave I sometimes felt depressed, because, you know, you are sitting at home alone with this kid, who is supposed to … I mean who is a human being, but it is not a social contact who gives you the opportunity to talk, like really talk, you know? You can kind of meet with other mothers, but it doesn’t really work like that. Because every child sleeps differently. So you can try twelve o’clock, but then my child sleeps at twelve. Then there is this period when everybody is ill. You try to meet up for two months but something always goes wrong. [C2W3 Ola]

I had this feeling of claustrophobia, being closed up at home. And for me it’s important that something is going on all the time, to have this feeling that I’m doing something important […]. Because I think it’s important that at work you meet other people […]. Contact with a living human being who can talk to you is important, and I missed that. I also missed the fact that others treated me like a human being, not only like a mother. [C11W13 Sylwia]

The feeling of loneliness was accompanied with tiredness and a sense of powerlessness. Especially mothers of small babies suffered from sleep deprivation and a constant feeling of being tired. The concentration on a child, who needs constant attention, made it difficult to engage in other domestic duties or to just take a rest.

I simply feel tired of this daily life, of being alone with children. For a whole week from nine in the morning to six in the evening I’m alone. I’m so happy when my husband comes back from work, that I can hand these responsibilities over to him. Although I know I can’t put everything on him because he’s also tired from paid work. [C19W27 Róża]

I feel a bit down at home. I am sitting at home and there’s this mess, I can’t handle it and the kid wants something. I mean obviously we play and he’s funny and loveable, but you hear about this [postnatal] depression […]. And it is like for the tenth time he wants something from you, and you are just staying home. You know, this is total powerlessness. In a sense I really want to go out, but I can’t go out. [C2M2 Kamil]

What is more, taking care of children requires patience and involvement in activities that are not very interesting for adults.

It’s very difficult … because at least my experience of being a parent is that, let’s say that I have five hours with children, I just can’t do something with them for five hours. Sometimes I need a break. And in my opinion, that’s not bad, because they [two daughters] can play with each other. They don’t need me all the time. [S1M2 Marek]

In the context of what Marek said it is important to understand that the situation of single parents, as well as those mothers who decided to take a break from paid work in connection with care work, is much more difficult than the situation of couples in which both parents are highly engaged in caregiving. When both parents are engaged in caregiving they can take breaks and consequently have more strength to spend time alone with their children when necessary. As I shall demonstrate in the next chapter, paid work can serve as such a break. Many parents, especially women after parental leave, emphasise that they take a rest at work. Paid work is often perceived as easier and more enjoyable than care work at home.

I go to work and often relax there [laugh], right? It’s much easier for me than being with a child, with a child who is sick every half an hour, has outbursts of anger or insists on something, for example, not wanting to go out. On the emotional level it’s easier to go to [paid] work than to deal with these emotions with my child. [C17W23 Irena]

On the other side of the continuum, there are people who perceive the experience of caregiving as a great and precious time during which they establish a strong relationship with their children, learn new skills, as well as closely observe how their children develop. Yet it is clear that such narratives were less common or appeared after a chorus of complaints, so the researcher did not have the impression that caregiving is only difficult and cannot be fulfilling. The positive narratives of caregiving concentrate on the uniqueness of this experience and the fact that children are growing up and that similar moments would never happen again.

Ok, let’s be honest, each child can always make its parent tired, but this time [six months on parental leave], well, I recall it as fantastic, in fact it was the time when my daughter was developing very fast, I was sitting with her, I saw as she was maturing, as she was changing every day, I don’t know, she was saying new words and so on. So this time was very precious. [C7M8 Stefan]

In some narratives parents also noticed that staying at home with a child was a kind of rest from their paid work. For women this period of rest started when they were still pregnant but had stopped paid work. In the case of men this rest took place when they decided to go on parental leave for a longer period. As Piotr was saying about his three month parental leave.

It was pretty great. What’s more I rested from my work, in a mental sense, I was not thinking about my work, and that had never happened before … I’ve been working in the same place for the last six years, even more, so … I’ve never had so much time off work before, previously … well, maximum period of work I missed was two weeks, right? It was such a refreshing experience for me. [C13M14 Piotr]

The questions arising from this analysis are: why do so few parents focus on the positive aspects of care work? Why is caregiving perceived as such demanding and tiring work, whereas its rewarding aspect is hardly ever mentioned? There are a few assumptions that might help us to answer these questions. First, there is a need to see who complains about care work and who perceives it as a great experience. The positive experiences are more often expressed by people who just temporarily took a break from paid work to take care of their children. They are especially fathers, who took a few months of parental leave (but not all). This suggests that care work is experienced as pleasant and rewarding work when it is done temporarily. The gender dimension is also important here—for men care work is not an obligation that is imposed on them. Of course, as fathers they have some kind of obligation towards their children, but they are more connected with breadwinning rather than day-to-day caregiving. Men are perceived as secondary caregivers, whose role is to support the mother in her daily duty of care (Suwada 2017a). Therefore, if they take care of their children on a daily basis, it is rather a matter of their individual choice than an obligation imposed by society or some external circumstances. The issue of choice is quite important here—it recurs very often in different discussions on the non-transferrable part of parental leave reserved for fathers. People who are against such mechanisms often stress that parents should have a right to choose how they want to share their parental leave (Suwada 2017b). Such an approach also appeared in the interviews analysed here—people dislike being forced to do particular things either by the state or by an individual person. A similar conclusion may be drawn from analysis of unemployed housewives, who sometimes have a feeling of being externally forced to provide care work for children and other family members (Tomescu-Dubrow et al. 2019). It can be assumed that people who feel their actions result from their own choices are more content with their situation. Thus it is important to look at the issue of care work through the lens of gender, and recognise that the right to choose, with its consequent opportunity structures, is much more restricted for women.

The second issue is the low value society affords to care work. Care work is not recognised by the system as work. Many mothers who took a break from paid work in connection to motherhood have a feeling of being invisible to the system, other people and society in general. The feelings of Elwira, who is the stay-at-home mother of a child with severe disabilities, are a good illustration of invisibility and lack of recognition.

I: The fact that I don’t work, don’t work for pay, that I don’t have work which I go to from home … because for him [her husband] it’s easy, he goes out, then he comes back and he has a feeling that he was at work, he earned some money. Did something. And me? I’m staying at home and just doing nothing, am I?

R: So do you have a feeling that your work is undervalued?

I: I mean, this is not what I meant that it’s undervalued, because she’s my child. I do it … I love her, so I don’t look at this in such terms, but sometimes … people around … it’s like with housewives, you know? People also say that they do nothing. And these women from morning to evening plan what to cook, what to clean. I have more obligations than such a housewife, but … it’s definitely very hard work. And the problem isn’t that people underestimate me, but that they in general have no idea how my work is done. People have no idea what it’s like to take care of a severely ill person at home. [P20K29 Elwira]

Elwira’s experiences of care work are distinctly different from other parents—she needs to provide specialised care for her daughter with severe disabilities, yet even though her everyday schedule is full of various obligations, she still has an impression that she does nothing. Similar feelings are characteristic for other stay-at-home mothers, they feel that their efforts and all work done during the day are not recognised and appreciated by other people. They often have to deal with stereotypes of lazy housewives who unjustifiably take money from their husband or from the state (corresponding conclusions can be drawn from the experiences of unemployed mothers see: Karwacki and Suwada 2020). Such a situation is especially difficult when becoming a housewife is not a result of free-choice, but rather a consequence of various external conditions (see also: Tomescu-Dubrow et al. 2019).

3.5 Conclusion

Kaja Kojder-Demska (2015) notes that motherhood is not a matter of individual choice and individual experience, but it is rather an area in which different ideas and norms clash and come into conflict. This also applies to how care work is organised. Parents’ choice is limited by opportunity structures that result from cultural norms and values, welfare state instruments, and labour market requirements. The organisation of care work is not merely a matter of the personal preferences of parents. The length of time available to stay at home with a child is limited by the length of available parental leave and is connected with the level of replacement rates and parents’ economic resources. The organisation of care after a period of leave is constrained by the availability of places in childcare institutions, the availability of other family members who can give support in providing care, and by economic resources that can be used to buy care in the private sector. The experiences of Polish parents clearly indicate that economic inequalities are one of the most important dimensions that differentiate parents’ opportunity structures. Yet regardless of economic resources mothers are always perceived as the main caregivers. The opportunity structures for men and women are distinctly different. The gendered norm about care is also present in the Polish family policy system that is explicitly genderising and promotes the traditional model of the family in which men are mainly responsible for breadwinning whereas women are responsible for care work. Consequently, women feel a bigger pressure to provide everyday care to their children, even if it has negative consequences for their other obligations. Men see themselves as helpers who support their partners or wives. At the same time, care work, even though it can be rewarding, is perceived as troublesome and boring. It brings more satisfaction if it results from a caregiver’s individual choice than if it is imposed by external factors.

To understand prevailing gender inequalities, it is necessary to start with analysis of care work. Even though care is one of the most fundamental types of work for a society, it is undervalued. Its importance often goes unrecognised, since it is difficult to translate its everyday results into economic value. The gendered division of work and the perception of care work as a female obligation is still visible in Polish society despite changing gender roles and despite the increasing involvement of men in family life. Such a situation has an effect not only on the organisation of care work but also, as I show in the following chapters, on the organisation of paid work and domestic work.